Shame Isn’t Who You Are — It’s a Part of You Trying to Protect You
Shame is one of the most painful and isolating emotions we experience. It tells us we’re not enough, that we’re broken, or unworthy of love. But here’s the truth: shame isn’t who you are. It’s a part of you — often one that’s been carrying a heavy burden for a long time.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), I specialize in helping people work through shame using Narrative Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy — a powerful, compassionate model that helps you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have been misunderstood, exiled, or overwhelmed.
What Is Shame, Really?
Shame isn’t just guilt. Guilt says “I did something wrong.” Shame says “I am wrong.” It’s deeply tied to our sense of identity and worth. Often, shame is rooted in early experiences where we learned — explicitly or implicitly — that certain emotions, needs, or behaviors made us “bad” or “too much.”
Over time, these beliefs harden into internal narratives. We stop seeing them as responses and start seeing them as truth.
How IFS Sees Shame: A Part With a Purpose
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a different way of understanding shame. Rather than seeing it as a flaw to be fixed, IFS sees shame as a protective part — one that’s working hard to keep you safe, often by preventing you from risking connection, vulnerability, or rejection.
In IFS, we all have many different “parts” — inner voices or subpersonalities — and at our core, we have a Self that is calm, curious, and compassionate. Shame is usually a protector part, often guarding an inner “exile” — a much younger part of us that holds pain, fear, or unmet needs.
An Example: How Shame Operates Inside
Imagine a part of you that believes you’re “too needy” or “a burden.” That part might make you withdraw, avoid asking for help, or criticize yourself. Underneath it, there may be a younger part that once reached out for connection and was ignored, ridiculed, or punished. Shame shows up to protect that vulnerable part from ever feeling that pain again.
But in doing so, it isolates you. It keeps you from experiencing the care and belonging you need to heal.
Healing Shame With IFS Therapy
IFS therapy helps you:
- Unblend from shame**: Instead of being overwhelmed by it, you learn to witness it with curiosity and care.
- Understand its protective role: Shame isn’t trying to hurt you — it’s trying to prevent deeper pain.
- Access your Self energy: That calm, compassionate center within you can begin to build trust with your shame parts.
- Care for the exiles: Once the shame part sees that you (as Self) can safely connect with the vulnerable parts it’s protecting, real healing begins.
This isn’t about “getting rid” of shame. It’s about helping that part no longer feel like it has to carry the burden alone.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. But it loses its power in safe, supportive connection. If you are struggling with shame, I invite you to explore how IFS therapy can help you begin to reconnect with your true Self — the part of you that was never broken, never too much, and never beyond healing.
Ready to Begin?
You don’t have to fight shame alone. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward healing with an experienced licensed therapist.
